To be honest I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. Devastated, hopeless, alone….. I guess I should start from the beginning.
If you have followed me for a while you know that we have started down the IVF road recently and that we have been a little tight lipped about the whole thing. We didn’t know the time frame of things and how things would turn out so we have kept things to our selves. Well we started the process back in August with a donor, which I will go into more detail at a later point, but we finally did our egg transfer on December 8th. I was scared, hopeful, nervous, excited. So many feelings. What if it didn’t work? Once the transfer happens you have to wait 10 days to find out if you are pregnant. 10 days of torture. Those were some of the longest days. We decided to try a home pregnancy test on day nine so that we could take the test together. I was prepared for a negative. I mean, I believe it is only a 60% chance of the egg implanting. I was so prepared for it to say no that I broke down sobbing with happiness when the test read “pregnant”. We got the digital kind so there was no mistaking it. PREGNANT. A word I thought I would never ever see for myself. I was still a little skeptical about the whole thing so I waited until the next day to do my blood test.
On the 18th I went in for my first blood test at the doctors. I told the lady that we got a positive test at home so I was hopeful. We had to wait until the next day for the results. More waiting. And then I got the email. We were pregnant!! For real. Never had I felt that level of happiness and excitement. We got pregnant the first time! I was nervous still as most are the first trimester but we started planning. Two days later we went and had our second test to make sure all was progressing well. My numbers doubled which was perfect and I sighed a little sigh of relief. They scheduled me the following week to have one more blood test and scheduled our first ultrasound for after the new year.
On the 26th as we drove out of town to my parents to celebrate a late Christmas we stopped for our third blood test. We knew we wouldn’t get them until the end of the day and I wasn’t worried or really thinking too much about it since the other tests went well. We planned on how we would tell my family that week. We new it was very early but being pregnant was the best Christmas present we could ask for. We wanted to share our excitement with our family. After years and years of infertility we knew they would be so happy for us.
We got to my parents and I decided to take a small nap since I worked the night before and had been up all night and day. As I laid down I realized what time it was and that I should be hearing about our results soon. I looked at my phone and had a missed call. I called my doctors office expecting to hear that our numbers had gone up to where they were and I would take my nap. I never expected the words I heard. I never expected to have this precious gift snatched away after barely even having it.
“Your numbers have dropped significantly” she told me. “I talked to the doctor and he wants you to stop taking all your meds. The embryo has stopped growing for some reason. There was something there but not any more”. It felt so cold. She was talking about my baby. My baby that I had been thanking God for all week. My baby that I had already started making plans for, had already nicknamed. Had already thought about the future with. To go from the greatest present we could have asked for to now losing it. To have to tell my family that we are having a miscarriage instead of that we are pregnant. I could barely comprehend it.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”
– Maya Angelou
Never have I felt this level of loss. Part of me wondered “Is this a miscarriage?” It seems so early…. but I was pregnant. I have a baby. Not in the normal sense I guess but this sweet baby made me a mom. It was so brief….that feeling of pure joy. Now I can’t even explain the level of loss, the level of emptiness I feel. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t process it. I don’t even know how to explain it if you haven’t experienced it. I hope you never do. Now I sit here. Waiting for the drugs to wear off and for the process of the actual miscarriage to start. And all I can think about is this sweet baby inside of me that no longer has life, and how loved he or she was and is even if such a short time.
I don’t know what the future looks like at this point and how soon we will try again. We just pray that we will some day get our rainbow baby and that this baby is now in heaven where they will never experience pain or fear. And to our little one in heaven, for the small amount of time you were on this earth you were loved so much and we will always miss all the memories we would have had with you. RIP little one…….
“Heaven and earth may separate us today, but nothing
will ever change the fact that you made me a mom”