(I know a lot of my posts lately have been about my infertility journey but we are sort of right in the middle of it and it has been on my mind a lot lately.)
This post is for you…..for you who are struggling with infertility. For you……the one who has miscarried. For you…..the one who was told she doesn’t have eggs to create a child. For you…..the one who can’t carry her own child. For you…..the one who doesn’t understand why she isn’t getting pregnant. This post if for you.
You are are beautiful and you are enough. Your body may have failed you but you are still a person. A whole person. A person worthy of love and kindness. You have known a pain that the majority of people won’t know or understand. For that you are thankful. You are thankful that most don’t have to go through this suffering because you wouldn’t wish it on anyone. That is how kind, selfless, and beautiful you are. You feel that mix of happiness and sadness when another pregnancy announcement is made. You are beyond excited and relieved when you find out someone was able to get pregnant without all the problems you deal with. It is ok to be equally sad.
It is ok to be sad, to have those days that it takes everything in you to get out of bed. It is ok to take a day for you. To let the sadness swallow you up for a while. To let yourself cry uncontrollably. Let yourself have a moment. To let yourself grieve. Most days you are strong, unwavering on the outside so no one knows how you are dying inside at times. So give yourself those moments to let yourself go. It’s ok to want to skip that baby shower, to not go to church on Mothers Day, to hide yourself away after another pregnancy announcement for awhile. It’s ok to be selfish once in awhile and take care of yourself. Talk about it to someone…..or don’t. Either way, it’s ok.
Your journey is your own and yours only. So choose your own path. Whether that be adoption, IVF, or no kids at all, that is ok. Ignore that comment from that friend of a friend. Whatever path you decided to go down is right for YOU. I have had people tell me so many things……”do this its cheaper”, “just adopt”, “just relax”, “what happens happens”…… NO. I know that you have talked out every avenue as I have. You have weighed all the options and researched all the ways you can go. You have talked all the topics to death with your spouse. You have agonized over it all just like I have. Just take your time and make the best choice with your significant other and try to block out everyone else.
To all you women who are struggling……..I understand. I struggle with feeling like enough, to overcoming the grief, to try and educate people. Some days are good and some days are the lowest of lows. I understand the deep longing of wanting to be a mom. I understand that feeling of dread when someone asks you if you have children, or if you want kids. I understand that deer in the headlights feeling you get when you try to decide how to answer. I understand that frustration you feel when someone else tries to give you advice that you have heard for the hundredth time. I understand that feeling of being left out when you are surrounded by people with kids and you have none. I understand….and I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Infertility can be SUCH a lonely feeling. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I pray that you find peace and comfort in this journey. I pray that wherever your path takes you that you will find joy. I pray that even in the grief and pain that you experience that your good days out weigh the bad. I pray that you have people in your life that provide comfort and support and I pray that you find the courage to continue on.
You are a strong person. Stronger than most because of the things you have to go through. Most people have no idea how strong you are. I just wanted you to know……..